My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
