Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
