I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
