new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
