Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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