By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
