Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
