a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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