Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
