Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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