mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
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Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize