You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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