Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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