nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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