Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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