you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
