I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
