Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
