now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My feet surprised me
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