clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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