I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
