its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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