About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
