Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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