A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
