I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
