I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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