So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize