youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
