im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
