well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
