WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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