She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
