My room smells like vodka and shame
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
