I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
