Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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