We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
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Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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