If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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