so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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