The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
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You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize