I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
