fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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