pop tarts are not kleenex
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
