From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
