My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
