Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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