i was born a porn star she said
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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