I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's rum buckets o'clock
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
