The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
