I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
