The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
