someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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