R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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