dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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