i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
