i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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