I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
